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November 5, 2017
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I was sitting on the couch and my doorbell rang. I leapt off the sofa and ran to the door screaming, “My banana slicer!” I opened the package and immediately snatched a banana to slice. Without instructions included I did not realize I had to peel the banana first. It was a gooey mess and I had to grab another. This time I peeled it, but my banana was too small. It didn’t fill the whole slicer.
I went to Walmart Customer Service, “Do you have any giant bananas?” I questioned. The attendant turned away. I think he was laughing. He called for another attendant, they went to the back, and brought out the biggest bananas I’ve ever seen.
I went home with the bananas. I peeled the bananas and used the banana slicer. It was so satisfying to cut the bananas. I did it all day and forgot to go to work.
I got a call from my boss. “You’re fired!” he screamed into the phone.
I cried. I am no longer Jake from State Farm. I am now just Jake.
March 3, 2011
For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.
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